Relinquishing Control

First of all, and this is COMPLETELY unrelated to what I feel like writing about tonight. You get a lot of spam comments when you have a blog, and most of them relate to porn. And the porn is a little terrifying because WordPress does this cool preview thing, and sometimes you check your blog at work, and your mouse hovers someplace, and then all of a sudden there are boobs and other amazing and yet terrifying things on your work computer, and you have a minor meltdown and yada, yada, yada.

But, there has been an alarming number of ads recently for a certain horse medication to aid in the eradication of worms, but these are approved for human consumption, and by human, I mean the self-fornicating, fascist wanna pieces of garbage who equate yelling in single-syllable words with strong leadership – while it isn’t… Anyway, the sheer number of these ads, intermingled with the porn, and other stuff written in Russian, surprised me.

OK – so I got a Sauna Bag from TruBrain last year on a Black Friday sale, and I love it. The past few times, I’ve used it, I’ve turned on a Netflix show, and I may have it turned up a little high, but there have been some weird hallucination-type things that happen to me.

Tonight, I hopped in after 24 hours of fasting, and listen to an Aubrey Marcus podcast. The fasting + sauna bag + plus Aubrey gave rise to some random thoughts.

I have control issues… And I don’t like them. Like it seriously affects my life, and not always positive or negative. Like if I’m drinking with friends and or family, and all the other adults have had too much, and something happens with the kids… It doesn’t matter how many Scotches I’m into enjoying my evening, Mr. Responsibility shows up and takes care of things. I also get paranoid about the ability of people to drive. Bottom line, if you’re going drinking with friends and want to be safe, I’m the guy.

Unfortunately, that means I also can’t relax. Like I enjoy drinking and using other substances, and they help me kinda relax and forget about problems, but they’re always there. And if I need to, I can snap right back into almost full control of any situation.

It kinda sucks. I want to lose control and I don’t know-how.

I got some thoughts in the bag tonight. I’ve always been the vanilla sex guy, because, fucking Mormonism and all of that bullshit I was raised with… This probably explains some of the control issues too. The term Magical Sexual Energy was used in the podcast, and I started to wonder about BDSM, Sub/Dom dynamics. It got me thinking. A LOT!

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