I’ve been thinking a lot about healing lately.

Years ago I felt that maybe a therapist would help. People suggested it too. Some out of concern for my welfare and some because they view mental health as a weakness and wanted to point out that I was weak. First off, fuck that second group… They caused the problems in the first place, and their intentions aren’t pure. They’re dead to me.

But back to the therapist. I’ve had the opportunity to interact with a lot of different therapists over the past year in various capacities. I think the guy I found to help me out is one of the better ones.

But I don’t know if he’s helping. I think he has some good ideas, but I think he’s developed an idea of who I am in his head and he’s solving the problems for that guy.

That guy is close to me, but he’s not me, and that makes diagnosis and treatment a little like a shot in the dark.

PSA: Dealing With Someone Who Is Overwhelmed.

I’m not entirely sure what the Live Your Legend topic was for today.  It’s been one of those days.

I woke up at 3 this morning with one of those headaches that feels like someone has driven a knife through my eye, and into my brain.  Took some pain meds and actually fell back asleep.  This is kinda good because I’ve been struggling with insomnia of late, and waking up anytime after midnight usually just results in me trying to sleep, and succeeding at all.

It was a struggle to get out of bed…  And I got to work late.

I’ve been wearing a couple of hats at work lately. Which is good for my career, but not so good for my sanity. My boss keeps commenting that he’s worried about me, and doesn’t want to burn me out. And then assigns me busy work, or offloads a decision he doesn’t want to make onto me.

Thanks, Man.

The truth is, I’ve been burned out before, and this is nowhere close to that. But I am overwhelmed. Between work, home, family and personal issues, I’m barely keeping my head above water.

Lots of people ask how they can help.

The thing is…  When they ask, I have to then spend energy trying to find a way for them to help me out.  Usually, they throw in some kind of helpful comment about me needing to be willing to let go, give up control and trust people.

And then invariably, after I’ve spent time finding something they can help with, explain it to them, they drop the ball, and I’m left picking up the slack and being even further behind than I was before.

My advice.  If you’re seeing a friend, family member or co-worker who seems overwhelmed, don’t burden them with the additional task of having to find a way to shed some of the load and make you feel better.

I think that’s what drives most of this. Mike seems overwhelmed, Mike is busting his ass, and I’m sitting here like a lazy schmuck.

If you want to help me, or anyone…  Figure out what they need and do it.

Or just support them.  Something a simple acknowledgment of their effort and achievements will go further than any form of help or support.

Writing Wrongs

OK, so that’s kind of a weird play on words, but it’s late, I’m tired and it’s been a long ass day!

Today’s assignment is to write about a difference we want to make in the world.

Every year for the past couple of years, I’ve attended the World Domination Summit in Portland.  I’ve had an idea for something I wanted to do to help the world, but it has never been more than a fleeting idea.  The problem with WDS folks is they want to know more about your idea, and what you’re doing to achieve it.

I’m working a full-time job, a part-time job, raising five kids and trying to keep my marriage on track…  Finding time to flush ideas out is tough.

But with the help of friends, I’m starting to flush out my idea.

My idea is to build a platform that helps people establish their own platform. Specifically, I’d like to target black woman. The idea is for it to be entirely non-profit, so I don’t gain anything by establishing this platform and that it functions as a tool to enable, empower and connect black women with each other and resources which can help them.

That’s as far as I’ve gotten though.


Today’s challenge was to write about something I’m proud of.

A number of things come to mind:

  • Escaping a Fundamentalist Cult-Like Religion
  • Leading My Family Out of the Same Religion
  • Raising Children with a Strong Sense of Social Justice
  • Earning a Graduate Degree and Growing My Career, While Supporting My Family and Helping the Mrs Raise Our Five Kids

But here’s a small one. I’m a freelance technical writer in my spare time, and this piece got picked up and went viral last year.

Making the Jump to Go: A Guide for Java Developers

Seeing more than 10k views on something I wrote is definitely good for the ego.

Falling In Love With Perfection

I was listening to a podcast earlier this week, and reference was made to Toltec teachings. If you’re interested in the Toltec Culture, you can probably start here.

The Mrs and I started listening to The Five Levels of Attachment: Toltec Wisdom for the Modern World. The author begins by talking about perfection. Perfection is not a destination, but rather, it’s your current state. Whatever you are right now, you’re the product of your choices and experiences, and you are perfectly you.

He talked about looking in the mirror and seeing yourself for who you are, not who you could become. He talking about loving yourself as you are. As a perfect person.

With that in mind, the Mrs and I went to The Float Shoppe in Portland this morning and spent 90 minutes floating alone in a sensory deprivation chamber. I’ve had good experiences in the past, but today was the best by far. I’ve always liked who I am, but I thought this morning about connecting with myself. About loving myself unconditionally.

Love is a powerful emotion and realizing that you love yourself is the most powerful form of love. Being 100% in love with someone, and knowing that the person in love with you is 100% genuine and never going to abandon you, hurt you or let you down is incredible.

What Makes Me Feel Alive

I’m a decent software engineer and when a task is done I feel a lot of satisfaction.
I’m OK at endurance racing, and when I cross the finish line, I feel a sense of achievement.
I’m fairly good at problem-solving, and when that problem gets implemented I feel a certain amount of pride.

But, when I can work with someone, enable that person and watching them realize a sense of empowerment and opportunity…


A New Chapter

So part of the motivation for writing again is a challenge with a group I’m a member of.

Live Your Legend

I’m supposed to start off the challenge by writing a little bit about where I come from and why I’m here. But that’s what I’ve been doing. Rehashing the past, complaining about organizations and relatives from my past.

It’s time for something new.

Here’s what I’m excited about now:

  • Becoming the best man I can be.
  • Supporting my wife in her quest to be the best woman she can be.
  • Forming a better and more equal relationship with her as we both follow our paths.
  • Continuing to raise socially conscious children who will change the world for the better.
  • Changing the World – I have some ideas!

Dipping My Toe

A lot has changed in the past couple of years. A lot inside of me, a lot outside of me, and a lot in my environment.

I’ve been thinking about writing again, but it’s a bit like my diet. Once you start, you know you have to keep up with it. Otherwise, next thing you know there are only a half dozen donuts left in the box, and you went for “The Kicker” down at Dutch Bros and your body is freaking out between a sugar crash and caffeine overload… And OH MY GOD WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON, AND WHY IS MY FANCY SHIRT LYING ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR SOAKING UP A PUDDLE OF MILK!!!

Long story short. Life is hectic, life is good, and parts of it suck. But I need to start writing again 🙂

Black, white and shades of gray

I used to blog about the Mormon Church. It was easy because it was very black and white. While most Mormons are good people, the organization itself is an evil and controlling mega corporation. Being an atheist and criticising them was easy. Even when I encountered resistance, it was still easy.

I’ve been trying to stay out of politics this season. I was an ardent Bernie Sanders fan, and then when he got defeated, I figured Hillary was the next logical choice. I still think that of the current options, she is the best candidate, but I’m not stoked about it, and I’m feeling embarrassed to about it too.

It’s nothing to do with her gender, nor the emails, nor Benghazi. On social issues, I think she’s kind of inline with what I’d like to see.

Someone brought up her husband today… but he’s not running for office. But then they brought up how she stood by him and demonized the women who he assaulted. And at first I thought… but what else could she do… and then I was thinking that it doesn’t matter about her personal life, it’s her policies.

And then I realized that I was a big goddamm hypocrite.

Still gonna vote for her, but I don’t like having to defend that decision because of what it means.